For My Salvation
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In the Orthodox Catholic tradition, marriage is not a sanction for sexual relations. Rather, it is the transfiguration of the relationship between a man and a woman. Sexuality is transfigured from a merely animal act of procreation to a spiritual communion which transfigures husband and wife. The Apostle Paul links the union of a wife with her husband to the union of the Church with Christ. Marriage is not simply a recognition of sexual relations; it is a sacrament. As a sacrament, it is an efficient means of grace by which husband and wife are saved. They are given to each other as the means for the other’s salvation.
With all my heart, I desire marriage as a saving communion. I would say that I need it, but the truth is that I do not. I must admit to myself that I possess everything I need at this moment for my salvation. God has given me everything that I need at this moment to be saved.
Presently this recognition is entirely intellectual. I am not so holy that I actually trust God to give me what I need. I know what I need, so I think, and God is either mistaken or sadistic for witholding what I know myself to need.
Such is the depth of my blasphemy and despair. Ironically, the situation will never change until I accept what God has given me. So I am told.