The Price of Freedom
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I have just been woken up from a long, long nap. I have been sleeping for over a month, and a dark, heavy slumber has been slowly smothering my soul.
To give you a glimpse into my state, for over three and a half months, I have lived almost exclusively in the company of men. As a result, my hormones explode at the barest hint of a feminine presence. Further, the men whose company I have been keeping are not seekers of purity. They talk constantly of sex: conquests, fantasies, techniques, positions… I have become accustomed to hearing things that would make an Amsterdam harlot blush.
Immersion in such a climate eventually takes a spiritual toll. In my life, there come times when the darkness is so alluring that the light is painful. I push all thought of God and his severe mercy out of my mind. God is simply a barrier between me and my one all-consuming obsession. In these times, it seems that all the work God has brought to pass in my life is completely lost.
Needless to say, I was not praying in this state. Prayer is perhaps the greatest loss I suffered during this time; so much ground had been gained in this fight, which I gave up so easily.
There are many images for repentance, but lately I have contemplated repentance as wakefulness or watchfulness. Perhaps this is because keeping watch is a huge chunk of my training as a sailor and submariner.
This past Sunday, I made confession to my local priest, and then I called my parish priest in Kentucky to inform him of what was going on in my life. In counseling me over the phone, Fr. David noted that when I am not praying, I am not the only loser. Everyone who depends on my prayers is also losing. When a watchstander falls asleep at his post, the enemy overtakes him and lives are lost. When we cease being vigilant in prayer, we fall asleep and the enemy overtakes us. Those who depend on our prayers suffer as a result.
Picking up the pieces is a slow process. Waking from slumber brings a spiritual drowsiness that takes time to overcome. Please remember me in your prayers.
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2 Responses to “The Price of Freedom”
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May 29th, 2004 at 4:21 pm
Thank you for this post….it touched me deeply.
May 29th, 2004 at 4:22 pm
We do, and will continue in our labors on your behalf.
It was good to hear your voice my friend.